1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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