dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
