You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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