I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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