had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
operation have a gay friend backfired
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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