i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
