I got her a Nickelback box set.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
do nipples grow back?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
