I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
