God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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