She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
