I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
