wakey wakey hands off snakey
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
