what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Randomize
