just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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