I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
