First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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