the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
