You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
