She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
