ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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