apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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