Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Randomize
