Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
