he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
