Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
