best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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