She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
