The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
