Got a toothbrush?
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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