I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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