Whod you bang
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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