Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
