Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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