so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
