never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
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