I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
So many bounce houses so little time
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
