I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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