he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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