His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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