I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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