guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize