Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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