Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
