mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
