Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize