as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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