my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You made out with two different species that night
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
