Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
