So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
