I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Let's get the cat blown out
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
