Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I wear drunk well.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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